Wake up and smell the kimjongilias

Reported by Monja_Alferez
[Jun. 29th, 2009|11:45 am]

Greetings fellow patriots,

This short letter is a plea to the people of America, and the rest of the free world, not to be distracted by two deceptive spectacles that are taking place right now: North Korea’s nuclear posturing and the supposed death of Michael Jackson. You might think that these are two strangely disparate subjects to address in the same letter, but the frightening truth is that they are both intimately related. I am going to explain the real situation to you, which may sound unbelievable at first, but every bit of it is true. And—I assure you—it is imperative that you spread the word so that we can prepare ourselves as best we can, because the mainstream media and the government remain totally blind to the facts.

First of all, despite the image being projected by the regime in Pyongyang, and the U.S. media’s distortion of events taking place there, there’s not a freeballer’s chance in Antarctica that North Korea is going to launch a conventional military or nuclear attack on anyone, even if they develop a few nuclear weapons. I mean think about it. They still haven’t completed the Ryugyong Hotel (a.k.a. the hotel of doom), the monstrous pyramid that towers over Pyongyang, and that project was begun in 1987. They don’t have the funds. When construction was going on, the money being spent represented two percent of the North’s GDP. The North Korean leadership may be crazy, but they’re not stupid. Despite the fact that their strong military is at the center of North Korean society, they are not going to engage the United States directly in a military conflict. They are a poor, isolated nation whose closest ally is China; and China’s closest ally is the American consumer.

Instead, we have reason to believe that the dastardly Kim Jong-il has other plans based on an ingeniously-simple application of physics and chaos theory, exploiting a weakness in the structure of the Earth’s tectonic plates. As the Lacanian physicist Jacques Michel Fournier explained in a 1986 article published in the journal Sexologie et l'physique nouvelle, “It is remarkable that the grave military implications of ‘socialist’ mass games and synchronized dancing have heretofore gone unnoted. For example, our best computer models indicate that if half the population of tiny North Korea were mobilized in a mass dance (and for this purpose costuming is irrelevant) in which everyone stomped in unison, it is possible—because of the present arrangement of the Earth’s tectonic plates—that southern California would experience a massive earthquake three days later. If the entire population were so mobilized, and a flag corps were used—the ripples traveling under the floor of the Pacific Ocean would be so great that we could expect the statue of liberty to collapse into New York harbor.”

After that quotation, I almost needn’t say any more. It should be obvious to you now that the North’s dance capabilities have been seriously underestimated by almost all analysts, except Fournier. We have been so focused on high tech threats that we have not considered the ultimate low-tech weapon: The human body and its capacity to groove. But there’s more to the story. We have reason to believe that the regime is planning to perform the ultimate dance of doom and world domination, utilizing the entire population of the country, in the year 2012, which is not only the 100th anniversary of Kim Il-sung’s birth, but the end date of the current cycle in the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar. Coincidence?

Now you might be starting to guess where Michael Jackson comes into the picture. It’s a little known fact that Michael Jackson is one of the only Western entertainers to perform regularly in North Korea since 1988. Jackson and his management deftly kept this hidden from the world public until the bootleg recordings, Michael Jackson, Live in Pyongyang and The Invincible Tour: Behind the Kimchi Curtain surfaced in late 2002 on Soulseek and LimeWire. Although sources close to Jackson initially called the recordings a hoax, they quietly admitted a year later that Jackson had indeed toured North Korea. In one newspaper, Dame Elizabeth Taylor was reported as saying, “Michael has been so abused by the American public and the viscous media that it’s no surprise that he would turn to North Korea. They have been nothing but supportive. When he first performed there in 1988 he immediately struck up a friendship with Kim Jong-il. They both love American pop culture. They both had demanding fathers who tried to mold them for public life and both are widely misunderstood. And let’s face it: Kim is Michael’s only friend who understands—like he does—the challenging yet rewarding experience of raising a giraffe in your own home.”

Careful analysis of footage released by the state-run Korean Central News Agency reveals that over the past twenty plus years, more and more of Jackson’s moves have been incorporated into the North’s mass games and synchronized dances. A recent performance at the RĊ­ngrado May First Stadium, for example, featured a Moon Walk and live human torches.

After the revelations concerning Jackson’s close relationship with Kim Jong-il surfaced, some analysts of North Korean politics even speculated that Jackson was being prepped for a high-ranking position within the North Korean state, perhaps as the Secretary of the Central Committee of the Workers’ Party of Korea. With such high stakes, it seems highly unlikely that Jackson would endanger his life at this time with reckless drug use, or that North Korean officials would tolerate it. It’s much more plausible, in fact, that Jackson’s death was faked and that he has now relocated permanently to Pyongyang where he can personally oversee the choreography of the dance of doom. An extract from the Elizabeth Taylor interview mentioned above might illuminate the matter further: “Michael always said that if he lost Neverland, he would move into the Ryugyong Hotel in Pyongyang. It’s not finished of course but Kim has had a number of suites set up with electricity and everything, and there’s a parlor set up on the third floor for Kabbalah and Hatha Yoga. We’ve stayed there several times. Michael loves looking down from the top of that pyramid—it’s just a magical view. He sometimes says it’s being equipped with a giant death laser that blasts out from the top to vaporize the American imperialist dogs and especially the vicious paparazzi. But that’s just a little joke!”

America, it’s time to wake up and smell the kimjongilias. Michael Jackson is not dead and North Korea’s nuclear program is just a ruse. We are not ready for the dance off that will rock the world.

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